[Fan Fiction] Sailor Moon: Ami's True Love

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Aug 27, 2012
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Cuddling With Ami-Chan!
#21
Unless your name is e e cummings, it is highly discouraged to write English terribly.

I also suggest reading more fiction. It is apparent that you are just beginning but learning how to put a story together is part of the process and reading others works is how you learn from example.

I admit my early works are terrible and I'm discouraged to read them, but I took the feedback I received and have grown as a writer because of it. I didn't simply emote back like a spoiled child being told he cannot play with his favorite toy.
tell me what part of my English is bad? i never misspelled anything look for yourself true its all capitalized but nothing is misspelled and trust me when i say this I'm not a beginner i have several other fics on here just not in this section because the Admins here weren't aware of them or they'd be here.

now i don't mind helpful hints and suggestions but so far you have done nothing but attack my English ever heard the saying don't like it don't look?
 

Kerochan no Miko

Knight Radiant
Staff member
Site Admin
Feb 29, 2004
6,242
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#22
tell me what part of my English is bad? i never misspelled anything look for yourself true its all capitalized but nothing is misspelled and trust me when i say this I'm not a beginner i have several other fics on here just not in this section because the Admins here weren't aware of them or they'd be here.
Bickering is done, kids.

Ryo Urawa, it is true that you're writing everything in initial caps, which is honestly weird and off-putting, and technically against the forum rules ("Use good English and grammar to the best of your ability. DON'T USE CAPS LOCK or l33t5pek or GIANT FONTS or Crazy fonts because then your posts just become a headache to deal with.") so yeah, if you could please not do that. Also, if you're posting fic in an open forum you're going to get feedback, so if you don't want it, don't post it.

Kyaa, you could phrase things a bit more diplomatically. Or at all diplomatically. That would be nice.
 
Likes: Onuzim Ima
#23
The misuse of capitalization is and of itself the worst fault in your writing. Even in this response, you failed to capitalize words at the beginning of sentences. Your faults don't end there. Simply not misspelling words isn't how you judge if writing is poor. You need to review how to use punctuation to your advantage.

Ryuji Holds Up His Hand "Hey Everyone As Mrs. Tanaka Has Said My Name Is Saotome, Ryuji As You Obviously Already Know I Am A Rock Star And I Joined This School So I Could Finish My Education And I Hope You Will Help Me" Ryuji Said Bowing Then Looked Around And Saw Ami Looking At Him And Blushed Slightly As He Took The Empty Desk Next To Her Ami Turned To Him "Nice To Meet You My Name's Mizuno Ami" She Said Smiling Kindly As She Held Out Her Hand Ryuji Took Her Hand And Kissed It "Pleasures All Mine Pretty Lady" He Said Looking Into Her Eyes.
I'm taken this excerpt from your very first post in this thread. How do you tell where one sentance ends and another begins?

Holding up his hand, Ryuji says "Hey everyone! It is a pleasure to meet you. As Mrs. Tanaka has said, my name is Saotome Ryuji. As I am Japanese, my first name is Ryuji and my last is Saotome. As everyone is aware, I am a rock star and I joined this school to finish my education. I look forward to working with everyone together!" Ryuji smiles as he bows. His eyes scan the classroom and he notices a blue haired girl staring at him. A blush spreads across his face as he stares back in her direction. Crossing the room with a strut, he reaches his desk which is luckily next to this beauty who was gazing at him. As she introduces herself, he takes her hand gallantly and once again introduces himself. "Very pleased to meet you, lovely one." he says kissing her hand flirtatiously.

This is how I'd rewrite this paragraph. Notice how I use punctuation to break up the sentences so they're easier to read while using adverbs and adjectives to show the action, not just telling what the characters are doing.

If you want to improve, you need to actively aim to write as well as you can. Every time.

(Sorry, I was in the midst of writing when you posted Kero.)
 
Likes: Onuzim Ima
May 1, 2015
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Pikari-gaoka
sparklyheartsdiana.tumblr.com
#25
tell me what part of my English is bad? i never misspelled anything look for yourself true its all capitalized but nothing is misspelled and trust me when i say this I'm not a beginner i have several other fics on here just not in this section because the Admins here weren't aware of them or they'd be here.

now i don't mind helpful hints and suggestions but so far you have done nothing but attack my English ever heard the saying don't like it don't look?
Have you been talking to Chris lately? He may be able to help you out with this fanfic .
 
Apr 20, 2017
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Australia
#26
Have you been talking to Chris lately? He may be able to help you out with this fanfic .
Actually I have him on Skype so I'm happy to help out. For now though I just want to talk to him and calm him down.
<offtopic>A brief tangent but in the subject of writing I'm going to work on an online worksheet version of my writing thread for people to work of off as well a second giving me the freedom to keep going with subject matter without a need for participation.</offtopic>
 
Aug 27, 2012
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Cuddling With Ami-Chan!
#27
Chapter 6: Ami's Choice Revealed!

The man turns around and looks at Ami and smiles happily "So have you made up your mind?" he asked kindly, Ami doesn't say anything she just runs up to him and kisses him passionately, the man returns the kiss as he wraps his arms around her and lifts her into the air for a few moments before putting her back down Ami smiles and says "I love you Ryo-Kun!" while looking up at him.

Ryo smiles back at her as he says "I've always loved you Ami-Chan and i always will" and holds her close as he kisses her again Ami moans as she returns the kiss "Ryo-Kun..." Ami muttered as she rested her head on his chest Ryo smiles happily as he says "Ami-Chan I'm glad you chose me as ever since i returned there's one thing I've been wanting to do!" then he pulls back reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small black box then opens it as he takes a knee making Ami gasp and tear up as he grabs her hand.

Ryo smiles up at Ami as he says "Ami-Chan i love you with all my heart and soul, i always have and i always will" as Ami continues crying softly Ryo continues to smile at her as he says "Ami Mizuno i love you more than life itself will you marry me?" as he holds up the ring a little higher Ami nods as she continues to cry softly and says "yes i will Ryo-Kun!" Ryo slides the ring which has a beautiful white diamond in the middle encircled by two gold dolphins making it look like they are swimming around it on Ami's finger and stands up kissing her again.

Ami moans softly into the kiss then she rests her head on his shoulder as they turn and look at the ocean as Ami says "The ocean is so beautiful today huh Ryo?" as she smiles happily Ryo nods and says "yeah it really is but it pales in comparison to your beauty Ami!" making Ami blush crimson as she smiled up at him and said "you're more handsome than Mamoru!" it was Ryo's turn to blush crimson as he replied "Aw come on I'm not that dashing am i?" with an amused chuckle.

Ami just smiled up at him and said "yes you are... my handsome Ryo!" as she tiptoed to kiss him passionately, A few hours pass by and Ami returns home unable to stop looking at her new beautiful diamond ring and smiling from ear to ear not seeing her mom standing in front of her she bumps into her and falls down Ami rubs her butt as her mom looks down at her and says "Are you okay sweetie?, you got to watch where you're going!" as she reaches down and helps her up Ami snickers as she replies "Sorry mom i couldn't stop staring at this!" and holds out her hand showing off her ring.

Miss Mizuno shrieks as she sees the ring and grabs Ami's hand as she says "You're engaged sweetheart?, oh my god!" then pulls her to the couch and makes her sit down and says "So tell me who's the lucky guy?" then grabs Ami's hands, Ami just giggles and says "Urawa, Ryo he's the kindest, sweetest most handsome man I've ever met" as Miss Mizuno smiles happily and asks "When will i get to meet Urawa-San?, he sounds like a real gentleman!".

Ami smiles happily as she replies "In about an hour i invited him over for Tea and Cookies" as her mom shrieks again "I got to get ready!" she said running towards her bedroom as Ami got up and went to the bathroom and fixed her hair in the mirror then put on some red lipstick, an hour later Ryo knocks on her door and Ami runs to the door giving her top a quick pat before opening the door and smiling at Ryo.

Ami grabs his hand as she leads him into her house and says "Come on in Ryo my moms dying to meet you!" and keeps pulling him until they reach the living room where Miss Mizuno is sitting on the couch wearing a dark blue dress, red shoes, diamond earrings and pink lipstick Ryo swallows nervously as he says "Hello Mizuno-San its nice to meet you!" and bows as Miss Mizuno smiles happily and says "Its nice to meet you Urawa-San!" as she returns the bow and motions to the chair next to the couch which Ryo promptly takes and smiles happily "This house is very beautiful Mizuno-San" he said looking around.

Miss Mizuno smiles as she leans over to Ami who just sat next to her and whispers "You're right he's really cute and charming!" then giggled as Ami replied "told you so mom!" as she giggled too Ryo coughed then said "I see where Ami gets her amazing beauty from" making Miss Mizuno blush "Flatterer!" she replied with a giggle then added "I'd love for you to marry my precious daughter guys like you don't appear often and i know my little girl wouldn't choose wrong" while smiling happily.

Chapter. 6 End

Note: i decided to extend this story a bit longer then i intended too i will continue to add chapters here as i think it would be wrong to not let my readers see the ending however once I'm done the story i'll be gone from this site :)
 
Aug 27, 2012
3,734
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Cuddling With Ami-Chan!
#28
Chapter. 7: Ryuji vs Ryo! A Battle Of Love! Part 1.

A few months have passed and its only a few days before the big day and Ami is getting last minute adjustments to her dress and Ryo is picking up his Tuxedo from the cleaners next door Ryo smiles as he grabs the box with his Tuxedo in it and says "Thanks Yamamoto-San how much do i owe you?" while holding up his hand.

Yamamoto smiles and replies "1000 yen should do it Urawa-San!" as he holds out his hand "Here you go and thanks again!" Ryo said handing him the money then grabs the box and walks out as he does he sees Ami waiting for him holding a big white box and smiles as he says "All done my love?" as he walks up to her Ami turns and smiles "I sure am dear, are you ready to head home?" she asked leaning in to kiss him.

Ryo returns the kiss as he replied "I certainly am lets go" and they walked off but 20 minutes later just as they made it back to the house they're cut off by a huge black Limousine and the back door swings open and Ryuji steps out and glares at Ryo as he says "Urawa-San!, after thinking it over these past months I've decided to challenge to you a winner take all fight if you win I'll leave and you'll never see me again but if i win Mizuno-Chan will be mine!" while holding up his fist.

Ryo laughs as he looks at Ryuji and replies "Sorry but i'd be stupid to accept those terms, besides Ami made her choice why can't you accept that?" making Ryuji growl angrily "What you're not scared are you?" he said while making chicken noises, Ryo growls back "I'm not afraid Saotome-San!" Ryo said calmly as Ryuji leers at him "Prove it!, fight me Urawa-Kun if you really loved her you'd fight for her" Ryuji said taunting Ryo.

Ami grabs Ryo's arm as he tries moving forward "You want it you got it [deleted]!" Ryo said as he turned to Ami and said "I'm sorry Ami but i do this out of love" as he kissed Ami's cheek then handed his box to her "I promise i will win!" he added smiling at her as Ami nodded "Please be careful Ryo!" she said backing up a bit as Ryo turned to face Ryuji and points at him "bring it on [deleted]!" he said as Ryuji growls and holds up his fists.

Chapter 7 End.
 

Onuzim Ima

Luna Crescens
Aug 11, 2010
1,172
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#31
"Ryo-Kun..." Ami muttered as she rested her head on his chest. Ryo smiled happily as he said "Ami-Chan... I'm glad you chose me as ever since I returned there's one thing I've been wanting to do!" [...] Will you marry me?" [...] "Yes, I will Ryo-Kun!" Ryo slided the ring which had a beautiful white diamond in the middle encircled by two gold dolphins making it look like they were swimming around it on Ami's finger and stood up kissing her...
Aaaawwww... That's just soooo cute... ♥♥♥♥

I'd like to know who it ends. :ami:
 

redneonglow

Luna Crescens
Feb 3, 2017
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Planet Nemesis
neckbeard.xyz
#32
Aaaawwww... That's just soooo cute... ♥♥♥♥

I'd like to know who it ends. :ami:
SilverMillenniumFalcon.com was shut down due to lack of funds, but at some point they got a yelling at for adult content, and I think Ryo moved his fanfiction to fanfiction.net, not sure. If you need to contact him, he is a staff member on my Chibiusa Video Club Discord:

https://www.sailormoonforum.com/index.php?threads/discord-and-skype.30338/#post-914802

His username is Nino Lahiffe#0897.