[Fanfiction] Do you know which day is today?

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ellephedre

Lapis Lunaris
Apr 2, 2018
9
1
0
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#1
Do you know which day is this?
Author: ellephedre
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon's characters belong to Naoko Takeuchi and Toei Animation.

Set in the R season, episode 61, at the beginning of the break up between Usagi and Mamoru. Written from his POV.


Do you know which day is this?
«Can we do my homework?» asks Chibiusa, nearly crying. Her childish voice pierces his ears. She grabs his hand and drags him along. Mamoru follows her in the living room.
Today is the day in which I don't know what to do anymore.
«At school I'm learning the pluses!»
She makes him sit on the carpet. She, only a kid, is stronger than him in that moment.
«The sums» he corrects her.
Chibiusa nods. «The teacher calls them that way.» She purses her toy lips, too small to be true, so similar to Usagi's.
Am I here with you because of this? Because you have her face? No. It's because he had met her in the street and Chibiusa had tackled him, grabbing his leg.
She had found him at the right moment, and for that alone Mamoru had wanted to hug her. Usagi - he had thought - hadn't managed to go back home, not yet. So he had called her mother, to let her know he had the child with him.
Now he wants to raise his hand and caress Chibiusa's hair, just to feel better.
«I already know how to make nine plus nine, but the teacher says I have to practice more. It's boring!»
Chibiusa takes a notebook from her backpack. The cover is pink, nearly red, the same color of the book he had in one hand while he said to Usagi that it was over between the two of them. The volume had slipped from his hand, falling to ground, his arm trembling. Usagi had bent to pick it up, but he had snatched it away from her. He had fled, unable to sustain her eyes for another moment.
Do you know that I have no idea what I'm doing? He murmurs it without voice, to speak without being heard, just to have someone... listen to him. Even if it's not real.
She will die if we stay together. I will break up with her again later, if she returns. And I will do it tomorrow. And again next week, if necessary. But what about me?
Chibiusa opens her notebook, searching for the right page.
She is able to read. She is a good kid.
What will I do now? Do you know that, once again, I have no one in my life?
«Here it is!» Chibiusa opens her palm - such little hands - and pats the blank grid paper. «These are are my exercises!» She points to a printed list attached to the opposite page. «Can you help me?»
«Yes.»
I made Usagi suffer, but she won't accept my decision. I will have to make her cry again, I will have to convince her that we were a lie as a couple. That everything I said to her - every word - was a lie.
«What do I have to do here?» asks Chibiusa.
She has written a sum on her sheet. Her fingertip is barely bigger than one of the squares, five millimeters per five. He takes the notebook, to read the numbers.
«Three plus one makes four.»
«No! You mustn't tell me! I cannot cheat!»
«Sorry.»
Where do you come from? He can't stop himself, he touches one of her ponytails. She narrows her shoulders and laughs.
You are just a kid. A kid who tries to scare others and gest involved in battles reserved to adults. Whoever sent her to them is a coward.
«Where are your mom and dad?» he asks.
She bows her head, to avoid looking at him. «My daddy is the brother of Usagi's papa.»
She had memorized the cousin story and is sticking to it. She is a poor little girl, with no one to protect her.
«You know... I was like you» Mamoru tells her.
She keeps writing her numbers. She is young, but she's already able to ignore him. Or pretend to do so.
He goes on. «I lost my parents when I was your age.» He had been six. From that day ages have passed, or maybe just minutes. And once again he has no one, just like then. «I was sent to a place where someone took care of me. A kid is never left alone, okay? You have...» He falters. «You have Usagi. Her parents.»
«I don't like Usagi.»
«You have me, if you want. When you are scared, come to me.»
Chibiusa stops writing. She moves her arm and touches his hand. «I will go back to mom and dad.» But she is afraid, and grabs his finger.
«You will» he says to her. You will go back to them... if your parents are alive. He won't be the one to tell her that. Going back to mom an dad is every kid's dream. It hadn't been his.
Chibiusa is pouting and trying hard not to make him see her expression. «You are nice» she says. «Why are you with Usagi?»
He isn't anymore. But she has showered him with love, and he had believed that it would last, that it was true.
It had been.
I love Usagi. But I won't be able to be together with her ever again.
He doesn't know how to explain it. He isn't able to speak of it in the past tense.
Two brown eyes look at him, observant.
You are a miniature of her. And yet you are different, so small that you seem like a doll and I hope - I really hope - that nobody will ever make you feel as bad as I feel now.
You don't deserve it.

«Are you sad?» Chibiusa asks him.
«A bit.»
«Let's color something.» Her solution is to turn a page on her notebook. «When I'm sad, it works. Daddy told me that I can draw whatever I want, even smiles.»
She draws two lines and stresses them with a pink felt-tip pen. It's a mouth.
«This is a smile.» She imitates the expression with her face, showing her teeths.
She is funny.
«See? We can laugh together.»
He doesn't want to contradict her. «Yes.»
What did he do to deserve his life? Maybe nothing, but sometimes it seems right to suffer. He is used to it. He keeps losing everything, in every existence he ever had. Endymion, Mamoru, always the same story. Maybe it's right to stop dragging people in his cursed destiny.
«Here.» Chibiusa nearly makes him grab a colored pen. «You draw now too. A smile.»
He see himself moving the tip on the paper, sketching curves, lines. Bangs, a little curly. Underneath them, he draws a face.
«It's me!» smiles Chibiusa.
He is using the pink pen, so she believes that.
It's you, he says to himself. He draws a smile on the face. You are right, this is not Usagi. Now I'll try to laugh along with you. And I will help you, I promise. So you won't feel lost.
He grabs another color from her pencilcase. Blue. «Draw something else.» He hands it to her. «Something beautiful.»
She immediately complies.
Her innocence makes him laugh: he wanted a sky and he obtains it, a sky made of blue rushed lines, inaccurate and sincere.
Chibiusa lets go of the blue and picks up the yellow.
It's a beatiful sunny day, the sky is blue... He immerses himself in his own story, in the image that is coming alive in the drawing. Usagi is not suffering anymore because of me, and she is so alive and healthy. Chibiusa has found her parents and I have managed to get through. Somehow.
Under Chibiusa's hand, a sun is being born.
It's yellow, blond.
You have the most beautiful hair, Usagi, most beautiful than... Comparisons are not fair. I loved to touch your hair.
I'd love to do it again.

He feels the strands under his hands, as if they are on his fingertips.
I love you.
I'm sorry for what I did to you, I'm sorry.

He should have just stayed alone, always.
Chibiusa grabs a news color. Green.
Hope.
I saved you, Usagi, when I could. I will save you again, it's my duty.
And after that... I don't know.

'Be strong', someone had once said to him. Many someones, many times in his life. He doesn't remember who, or when.
He had made it his motto. It's time to do it again.
It's the best advice he had ever received.
Strenght is pride, and it equals to safety. It's continuity.
He won't give up, he doesn't want to.
Mamoru doesn't capitulate.
He stops talking of himself in third person. He had stopped when he was eight, he remembers it well.
But still, the concept stands.
'Be strong.'
Yes.
He stops thinking and observes Chibiusa's last drawing.
There is a house with a weird shape, with many sharp tips on the roof and minuscule trees all around.
Fantasy can go a long way...
Chibiusa gifts him with the drawing and immediately starts another one, her homework forgotten.
He is in peace when the doorbell rings. His head is full of five-leafed flowers, seas of two lines and immense fields, only the horizon putting an end to them.
When he opens the door, he had nearly forgotten.
But Usagi is outside. She is devastated, full of questions for him.
'Be strong.'
He swallows and moves aside. He lets her enter, just to say goodbye to her again.
'Be strong.'
I will.
~